Grooving

Well, I haven't felt like sharing so much. The good news is that this blog was my lifeline for a while, so the fact that I am not blogging so much means I am doing alright. The past month I have had an overwhelming bit of anger, and I think that is pretty reasonable all things considered. Having it come to the surface is a good sign to me, because now I can work through my anger, and start to forgive. Other than that, I am much more myself, but a stronger version in many ways. Yes, what does not kill us will make us stronger, but when we are ready, and on our terms. Renee's getting her groove back.

2009

This past year has been long, time slowed down to a snail's pace. With just a few days left in 2008, I think back on the road we have traveled, and it was exhausting. I wouldn't trade it in, but I am ready for it to be over. I feel positive going in to the new year, and I know that good things are already happening.

When I reflect, I see how close I was at times to checking out. Infact, there are periods of time that I don't even remember. This past year was a mental Olympics of sorts...and I did it. Somehow, I got through it. It is a relief to be here on the other side. I am strong enough now to face any obstacles in my path. I am ready to live. I know how this works though, life is not fair, and there might be more challenges ahead. That's just life.

Happy New Year,
Renee

Happy Thanksgiving

Incredibly grateful...

Still Going

It has been a few days, and I have been reflecting quite a bit. There is so much in this world that makes no sense, but has to be - for whatever reason. I have always thought that the sadness I have experienced in this life was worth something - that I grew somehow for the better. I'll tell you what...this one was a doozie.

There is no way I can really put into words how much I have changed. On the surface, I look about the same, but on the inside, I am completely different. And, you can't really go back, ever, to the person that you were before.

Someday, I hope to understand why - and I don' think that is a bad thing. In some weird way, I already get it. It isn't fair, but I can still see the good. Trust me, I have said that a million times, but life isn't fair. It just isn't. So, I have learned to relish the good, regardless of how insignificant it might seem. I appreciate the little, the few, and the unspectacular. Beauty is there, in the most simple of things.

In Memory

This is it; the anniversary we have been dreading. We decided that in honor of Quinlan, we would like all of our family and friends to spread our love for him with random acts of kindness this week. It could be something as simple as helping a neighbor unload their groceries, paying for someones gas, or saying kind words to a stranger. You can tell them it is in honor of Quinlan, a baby who did not have a chance to do things for others. Or, you could give them a note stating that this is a random act of kindness in his name.

Quinlan technically died the morning of the 13th of November. We chose to remember the 14th which is the day we delivered him, the day we met him face to face. He was born into this world at 7:27 am. He was beautiful, and his soul was gentle. You might doubt me on this one, but I knew him well. The early morning he passed I felt incredibly peaceful. I didn't 'know' he was gone, and there was no physical trauma with me. I just knew that he was quiet.

Don and I miss him everyday. We don't want to dwell on his loss, and imagine what life would be like with him here now. That would be too painful. His physical loss changed us significantly. We feel him around us, and hope that we are still connected and will be reunited with him some day, in some way.

I also want to clarify something I mentioned earlier in this blog or in emails. Many people are not sure what to say, or do, or not to do. You all have to do what works for you. People's silence can be so lonely. Death in general is incredibly lonely. This experience felt as if someone had removed our insides; we were hollow for so long. We have appreciated what everyone has shared with us, and that everyone has supported us. This is not just about us grieving, it is about you grieving too. It is about everyone getting through this life together.

Religion is a tricky thing in the time of death. I always appreciated what everyone has said, even if I do not agree with it spiritually or religiously. What has been difficult, is when people tell us how we should feel, and what we should do without solicitation. No one can tell us how we should pray, what the rules are, or when we should feel a certain mood. I am pretty sure you all know that I am Jewish, and that Don is Catholic. This is personal to us. We have always respected that about each other, and have never asked the other one to sway in their beliefs. We might have different religious beliefs, but Don and I have never had issues with this, and have focused on ourselves as whole people, not just as a religious being or ideology. I have friends and family of nearly every faith or no faith at all; I have always respected that. We ask that you respect us as people, as parents who lost their child as well as their hopes and dreams.

You can contact us as much or as little as you want. We just need you all to know that we are not really up for talking about it this week. That does not mean that you can't contact us, just don't expect a prompt reply. We don't want you to censor your life to us, because you might have children, or you are expecting a baby. It means so much to us to that we are a part of your lives. We love you all, and appreciate everything, more than you will ever know. It is really important to me that you know that, and that we are not judged right now on our silence, or laughter, or anything. We are doing the best we can.

Many of you have asked about his name. We didn't create it to be unique or interesting. We wanted him to have his name, going on what felt right to us. I once had a student named Quinlan, great little 3rd grade boy, who was kind, and vivacious, and his own person. He loved football and stickers, his family & friends, and he and I bonded immediately. When I looked up his name, and saw that it meant 'gently shaped features', I kind of giggled, because I was looking for a name that stood for something, not just aesthetically. Then I realized it does not matter what the definition was, what mattered was that we found the right name for us and for him, and that he would eventually define that name for us. He sure did.

And, he did have gently shaped features, but all babies do. His eyes were enormous, and the brightest blue I have ever seen. I know that is normal, but it was so striking to see. They were so filled with light.

I hope that if you read this, that you sign your name in the comment section. You do not have to leave a message, but since everyone is spread out, we thought this might be a way for us all to connect with Quinlan, and each other.

Our love to everyone.

Renee & Don

Why is today important?

From http://www.october15th.com/

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is to promote Support, Education and Awareness for grieving parents nationwide (and worldwide).

Too many families grieve in silence, sometimes never coming to terms with their loss. Our goal is to help others relate to our loss, know what to say, do or not say, not do and to help families live with their loss, not "get over" their loss.

We have been in this boat. So, it is important for me to bring awareness to this day, and the significance and continual battle we have ahead, not to allow families to feel like they must hide a family secret. We try to honor our son as much as possible. We are not ashamed of him, and many people have a way of making us feel this way. It is ok to speak his name aloud, it is ok to talk about him, it is ok for us to grieve him and remember him as much as we need to...

Wave of Light

This month and next we have been thinking of Quinlan nonstop. We are taking time out to celebrate Don's birthday and our anniversary, but we don't have to ignore that Quinlan died a year ago next month in order to do that.

Please light a candle tonight at 7 pm for Quinlan and other babies/ pregnancies that have been lost, as people around the world will be doing the same in order to create a continual wave of light.

A Walk To Remember - Littleton, Co 2008

Well, it was incredibly somber, and heartbreaking...there were so many. The weather was very cold, and very drizzly, and the colored balloons seemed limper than they should have been, as if they, too, were feeling the weight of being a bereaved parent. When Quinlan's name was read, we released the balloon, and I completely lost it. I haven't cried like that in months. Most people were sobbing. Some wounds were fresh, some were more seasoned. It sucked for everyone. Some people didn't have just one balloon, but many...too many. They had lost twins, and triplets, and one after the other. One set of parents, how do they do it? I guess one foot in front of the other, just like me.

The money raised goes towards bereavement packages for parents in hospitals with new losses, like ours. This includes advice, words of encouragement, and so much more. It is so important. We felt so alone, scared, shocked...unable to breathe when we lost Quinlan. Our doctors stared at us, shaking their heads, in disbelief as well. The social worker cried more than me. We got a little bit of advice, but mostly looks of pity...We had a nurse who advocated for us and gave us the best advice. We will always be thankful for her. There is no birth certificate, only a death certificate, and questions about an autopsy and a choice between burying my precious bundle six feet under, or having him cremated. There must be 30 hospitals in Denver, and each one needs more than 200 bereavement packages per year for infant loss...PER YEAR. So, today, if my measly money made any one experiencing this loss a little better, then I don't know, there is some tiny justice in what happened to our son. It's all I can do right now to feel better about this.

This experience was my darkest hour. I am not sure how we crawled out of the hole, but we did, and today I was reminded of how far we have come.