Why is today important?

From http://www.october15th.com/

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is to promote Support, Education and Awareness for grieving parents nationwide (and worldwide).

Too many families grieve in silence, sometimes never coming to terms with their loss. Our goal is to help others relate to our loss, know what to say, do or not say, not do and to help families live with their loss, not "get over" their loss.

We have been in this boat. So, it is important for me to bring awareness to this day, and the significance and continual battle we have ahead, not to allow families to feel like they must hide a family secret. We try to honor our son as much as possible. We are not ashamed of him, and many people have a way of making us feel this way. It is ok to speak his name aloud, it is ok to talk about him, it is ok for us to grieve him and remember him as much as we need to...

Wave of Light

This month and next we have been thinking of Quinlan nonstop. We are taking time out to celebrate Don's birthday and our anniversary, but we don't have to ignore that Quinlan died a year ago next month in order to do that.

Please light a candle tonight at 7 pm for Quinlan and other babies/ pregnancies that have been lost, as people around the world will be doing the same in order to create a continual wave of light.

A Walk To Remember - Littleton, Co 2008

Well, it was incredibly somber, and heartbreaking...there were so many. The weather was very cold, and very drizzly, and the colored balloons seemed limper than they should have been, as if they, too, were feeling the weight of being a bereaved parent. When Quinlan's name was read, we released the balloon, and I completely lost it. I haven't cried like that in months. Most people were sobbing. Some wounds were fresh, some were more seasoned. It sucked for everyone. Some people didn't have just one balloon, but many...too many. They had lost twins, and triplets, and one after the other. One set of parents, how do they do it? I guess one foot in front of the other, just like me.

The money raised goes towards bereavement packages for parents in hospitals with new losses, like ours. This includes advice, words of encouragement, and so much more. It is so important. We felt so alone, scared, shocked...unable to breathe when we lost Quinlan. Our doctors stared at us, shaking their heads, in disbelief as well. The social worker cried more than me. We got a little bit of advice, but mostly looks of pity...We had a nurse who advocated for us and gave us the best advice. We will always be thankful for her. There is no birth certificate, only a death certificate, and questions about an autopsy and a choice between burying my precious bundle six feet under, or having him cremated. There must be 30 hospitals in Denver, and each one needs more than 200 bereavement packages per year for infant loss...PER YEAR. So, today, if my measly money made any one experiencing this loss a little better, then I don't know, there is some tiny justice in what happened to our son. It's all I can do right now to feel better about this.

This experience was my darkest hour. I am not sure how we crawled out of the hole, but we did, and today I was reminded of how far we have come.

Documentation

So, for the grievers out there, and for myself, I can tell you that as the days are nearing, so are: (a) anxiety, (b) irrational thinking, (c) nausea, and (d) sorrow, sweet-sweet sorrow. This is more difficult than so many people can imagine. I had no idea that it feels like this. I would never have known this feeling, but now I see it in others, who are struggling. It makes me want to fight for them, because they are so misunderstood.

Finding a reason why this happened, or justifying it does not help. To consider something would have been wrong with him or that is a part of God's plan doesn't bring me peace. It makes me wonder what kind of God would take something so precious away from me, because Quinlan was either too special or not special enough. And, that is not a place I want to go to, at all.

Tomorrow we are attending a Walk To Remember, where people of all walks who have lost infants will gather. I am preparing for this mentally tonight. I don't know what to expect. I just want to do as much as possible to honor him.

Circles

Monday, September 29, 2008
Circles


It is all coming back around. Feeling a bit anxious, I am sure so much of it is the anticipation of the coming month. I am again so thankful to have had so much support over the past year. Without all of you, I am not sure where I would be right now.

I am seriously trying to start a blog for Quinlan, so that people may visit when they would like, and people who are finding themselves faced with a similar loss might find a place of comfort. It is important for me to have this place as well.

I will get to that soon, but for today, I am going to walk my dog, and try to enjoy this crisp, fall day.

Love to all!
Renee

Fall

Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Its Coming Closer


Fall is almost here, and last fall was...well, you know, awful. Respectfully, Don and I will be taking a lot of time for ourselves. We will mark the anniversary personally, but it will be difficult. Even the anticipation is starting to get the best of me. November will be tough. I hope that we can attempt to celebrate Quinlan on the 14th, the day we met him face to face.

Just got back from Arizona, which was so great (and hot). Saw family that I cherish, and it felt good just to get away for a few days. I am now back in Denver, and I think as this anniversary arrives, I am going to post on Quinlan's blog and that's it. This one will go away, but I will be sure to transfer everything pertaining to him over to that site. I am just not feeling this anymore. Of course, I will pursue writing in many other venues...just not here, not anymore.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Cap Hill


While the DNC is taking place in our former backyard, I have been thinking a lot about that time during our lives. Don and I lived in Capitol Hill for 5+ years, with the state capitol just blocks away. I have seen my share of protests, rallies, and other interesting political hullabaloo (I've always wanted to use that word in a sentence). I can only imagine the intensity this week. It is a beautiful part of Denver, filled with VERY interesting people, culture, and creativity. We miss Cap Hill, in all of its eclectic glory.

I am reminded nearly every minute how different my life was then. It wasn't even a year ago, but I have aged at least a decade. I want to go to see everything, but I can't. I just can't. Capitol Hill was where I came of age, finally, after all these years. It is where I figured out who Renee was, and is. It is where I fell in love, found happiness, and conceived a little boy that I don't get to walk with in this life.
So many mixed feelings...

A Few Steps Back

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

So, if you have known me most of my life (or at any time during my life), you might call me: (a) clumsy, (b) accident prone, or even (c) a walking disaster. I am not disputing any of these claims. I can assure you I wish not to be, but some things in life, you just can't control.

Newest drama: my back. After carefully placing my dirty, yet loveable mutt in the bath tub to remove the 'stank', I pulled something in my back. After nearly two weeks of being miserable, the MRI confirmed that I have some disc issues. Some are bulging, some have bone spurs, but the bottom line is that three of them are not well. I asked my doctor why? Could it have been the years of sports/ dance? Perhaps the countless bicycle accidents as a child? The lack of safety equipment during the formative years?

He said age. This is not the first time I have heard that. The harder you are on your body, the sooner it seems to fall apart. So, when I say I feel old, I mean it. Degenerative disc disease. What does that mean? Adjustments in my exercise routine, physical therapy, Ibuprofen, and hopefully no surgery.

Again today, I heard references to something with me being consistent with that of an elderly individual...my 'geriatricism'. (I totally made up that word). Anyway, I went in for another infusion, these will occur every 8 weeks indefinitely.

Sidenote: I have been moved to Littleton Hospital (for the infusions), which is fabulous. Male nurse-check (sorry Don). Comedies to watch on dvd-check. Leather recliner in my own room-check. Free food and chocolate-check.

As I was saying...Whenever I go to a doctor's office, we always seem to play a really fun game: Find The Vein That Works. After three attempts, he remarked, "Interesting." I assured him my reputation precedes me, and that yes, I am a bit of an enigma. Next he said, "Ridiculous". I guess my skin elasticity is a bit thick, but sticky. I counted a total of 17 times that nurse referred to my health records, and vital organs in this manner.


After I thought about it for a while, I decided this simple phrase captures who I am and who I have always been:

Renee Campbell - Interesting and Ridiculous