I am not sure what to say, except that life is not fair. It has never been, sometimes, it is just more apparent. My cousin lost her baby girl today. Marie struggled with Leigh's Disease and at nearly 2 1/2 years old, she lost her battle. Not even 24 hours after her baby sister was born, she passed away. My cousin is in a state of grief, and a state of joy, welcoming her new daughter Sarah into the world, and saying goodbye to Marie. Josie, Marie's big sister, has to deal with life and death at the same time. It is not fair. Luke, her husband, had to say goodbye to his baby girl. Damnit, it is not fair. I will never understand why this pain has to burden us. I have so many questions about how this life works, and why some of us face more tradgedy and heartache than others. Marie was a beautiful girl, who lit up the room. She fought so hard, and her family fought even harder. They are the inspiration we seek.
What I hope, is that Shannon feels the support, the love that everyone around her feels for her and the Schlachter family. If you read this, if anyone reads this, I hope you go to her blog and send her well wishes, that you pray for her, think of her, believe in her. This family will need the strength and support of everyone.
www.josieandme.blogspot.com
Friday, August 28, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Shared Pain
I hate to hear that anyone will go through what I have...that someone else will experience the deepest pain, a length of time more lonely and isolating than you could ever imagine, a feeling so distinct and dark that you could just lay down and die. I don't want someone else to feel the emptiness of their own heart.
If I could go back in time, I would ask for from those around me for patience, for strength, and for the time that I needed to heal without judgement. I would ask them to keep their opinions to themselves, and their stories of the ordinary. I would also ask them to stay with me, whether physically or emotionally, but to stay with me through the dark days. Life seemed so mean and cruel, as if it was holding a magnifying glass right over me, so that life could see me well enough to smash me with it's thumb. The days are always cloudy no matter how sunny it is outside. Every metaphor and sad song you have ever heard makes perfect sense.
Some days I feel that pain, but the days are few and far between now. What is permanent is my perspective. It is a feeling of live or die. I work hard every day to feel good, to be positive, and to continue to dream and wish, even though I know more than most that statisitics are a cruel joke.
If I could tell those stricken with the loss of a child one thing, it would be to keep living, second by second if you to, but keep living...the pain will go away, and the memory of your child will eventually offer you strength and compassion, instead of sorrow and pain. One day, you will feel only the love, and nothing else.
If I could go back in time, I would ask for from those around me for patience, for strength, and for the time that I needed to heal without judgement. I would ask them to keep their opinions to themselves, and their stories of the ordinary. I would also ask them to stay with me, whether physically or emotionally, but to stay with me through the dark days. Life seemed so mean and cruel, as if it was holding a magnifying glass right over me, so that life could see me well enough to smash me with it's thumb. The days are always cloudy no matter how sunny it is outside. Every metaphor and sad song you have ever heard makes perfect sense.
Some days I feel that pain, but the days are few and far between now. What is permanent is my perspective. It is a feeling of live or die. I work hard every day to feel good, to be positive, and to continue to dream and wish, even though I know more than most that statisitics are a cruel joke.
If I could tell those stricken with the loss of a child one thing, it would be to keep living, second by second if you to, but keep living...the pain will go away, and the memory of your child will eventually offer you strength and compassion, instead of sorrow and pain. One day, you will feel only the love, and nothing else.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Maternal Instincts
Is it really all perspective? I know that last Mother's Day, I started the day with a positive outlook, that Don and I spent the day together, planted a tree, and felt good at the end of the day. This year, this Mother's Day, I felt rather sad. I know that part of it was because I have been ill for quite a while, and that I didn't have the energy stored up to deal with my emotions.
So, it (the holiday) got me thinking. What does it really mean to be a mother? A warm hug, knowing you are cared for, a reassuring glance or kind words...it all fits. A mother is nurturing, a mother is kindness, a mother is love and strength and beauty. I know that I am a mother. Just because there is no child on my lap, does not mean that I am not a mother. Just because I don't spend every day watching my child grow, does not mean I am not a mother. Just because my son is in an urn on my mantle, does not mean I am not a mother.
What about Mother Theresa? A mother to us all, right? After googling this phrase, I was surprised to find how many names came up. Some names were of women that I had never heard of before. Beside each name, was words of the woman's strength, courage, kindness and spirit. Each woman was capable of loving so many, and sharing her love with those around her, unconditionally. Isn't that truly what being a mother means? She doesn't act for fame or fortune, she acts out of the kindness of her heart, she acts based on instinct, she does this for the good of others, not out of fear. I have always felt the mother within me, and in recent years I have felt the need to spread my sense of nurturing with others. I do this, not because I am 'missing' that part of my life, but because this is who I am. I have been criticized and misunderstood, but as of today, I can tell you, that I will continue to be who I am...to care, to nurture and to love with my whole heart.
So, it (the holiday) got me thinking. What does it really mean to be a mother? A warm hug, knowing you are cared for, a reassuring glance or kind words...it all fits. A mother is nurturing, a mother is kindness, a mother is love and strength and beauty. I know that I am a mother. Just because there is no child on my lap, does not mean that I am not a mother. Just because I don't spend every day watching my child grow, does not mean I am not a mother. Just because my son is in an urn on my mantle, does not mean I am not a mother.
What about Mother Theresa? A mother to us all, right? After googling this phrase, I was surprised to find how many names came up. Some names were of women that I had never heard of before. Beside each name, was words of the woman's strength, courage, kindness and spirit. Each woman was capable of loving so many, and sharing her love with those around her, unconditionally. Isn't that truly what being a mother means? She doesn't act for fame or fortune, she acts out of the kindness of her heart, she acts based on instinct, she does this for the good of others, not out of fear. I have always felt the mother within me, and in recent years I have felt the need to spread my sense of nurturing with others. I do this, not because I am 'missing' that part of my life, but because this is who I am. I have been criticized and misunderstood, but as of today, I can tell you, that I will continue to be who I am...to care, to nurture and to love with my whole heart.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Grooving
Well, I haven't felt like sharing so much. The good news is that this blog was my lifeline for a while, so the fact that I am not blogging so much means I am doing alright. The past month I have had an overwhelming bit of anger, and I think that is pretty reasonable all things considered. Having it come to the surface is a good sign to me, because now I can work through my anger, and start to forgive. Other than that, I am much more myself, but a stronger version in many ways. Yes, what does not kill us will make us stronger, but when we are ready, and on our terms. Renee's getting her groove back.
Monday, December 29, 2008
2009
This past year has been long, time slowed down to a snail's pace. With just a few days left in 2008, I think back on the road we have traveled, and it was exhausting. I wouldn't trade it in, but I am ready for it to be over. I feel positive going in to the new year, and I know that good things are already happening.
When I reflect, I see how close I was at times to checking out. Infact, there are periods of time that I don't even remember. This past year was a mental Olympics of sorts...and I did it. Somehow, I got through it. It is a relief to be here on the other side. I am strong enough now to face any obstacles in my path. I am ready to live. I know how this works though, life is not fair, and there might be more challenges ahead. That's just life.
Happy New Year,
Renee
When I reflect, I see how close I was at times to checking out. Infact, there are periods of time that I don't even remember. This past year was a mental Olympics of sorts...and I did it. Somehow, I got through it. It is a relief to be here on the other side. I am strong enough now to face any obstacles in my path. I am ready to live. I know how this works though, life is not fair, and there might be more challenges ahead. That's just life.
Happy New Year,
Renee
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Still Going
It has been a few days, and I have been reflecting quite a bit. There is so much in this world that makes no sense, but has to be - for whatever reason. I have always thought that the sadness I have experienced in this life was worth something - that I grew somehow for the better. I'll tell you what...this one was a doozie.
There is no way I can really put into words how much I have changed. On the surface, I look about the same, but on the inside, I am completely different. And, you can't really go back, ever, to the person that you were before.
Someday, I hope to understand why - and I don' think that is a bad thing. In some weird way, I already get it. It isn't fair, but I can still see the good. Trust me, I have said that a million times, but life isn't fair. It just isn't. So, I have learned to relish the good, regardless of how insignificant it might seem. I appreciate the little, the few, and the unspectacular. Beauty is there, in the most simple of things.
There is no way I can really put into words how much I have changed. On the surface, I look about the same, but on the inside, I am completely different. And, you can't really go back, ever, to the person that you were before.
Someday, I hope to understand why - and I don' think that is a bad thing. In some weird way, I already get it. It isn't fair, but I can still see the good. Trust me, I have said that a million times, but life isn't fair. It just isn't. So, I have learned to relish the good, regardless of how insignificant it might seem. I appreciate the little, the few, and the unspectacular. Beauty is there, in the most simple of things.
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