Quinlan's Day

We lost Quinlan on November 13th, 2007, nearly two years ago. This day happens to be World Kindness Day. Last year, we attempted to make his memory meaningful by asking friends and family to perform random acts of kindness in his name. We are continuing it this year, along with a custom tag you can print and send along with your random act. These acts can be as small as helping someone with their groceries, shoveling a neighbor's driveway, or doing something kind and anonymous for someone you know. We hope that you will remember us this week, and spread love and kindness in Quin's name.

Please visit: http://www.friendsofquinlan.blogspot.com

The longest days

Some days, like today, I feel like a wave has overcome me, and I am underwater. There is no sound, there is no pain, just a strange numbness, and the light shining through. Numb, lost, paralyzed...But lately, I am always on the brink, of feeling and emotion overcoming me and drowning me in sorrow.

In these days before the anniversary, I realize I have moments, that come out of nowhere, where I see him, where I feel him, where I remember every detail of him. Then, I remember what it felt like when he was alive, and even worse when he died, and...I crumble. I get sad, I get mad, I cry at nothing and everything.

This much I can tell you...I will never accept this. I will always question how horrible things can happen to some and not others. I will always wonder why I drew this lottery ticket of pain and sorrow. I have come to peace with his loss in some ways, but, in others, well, I am not sure I will ever find the solace I seek. I have learned so much, I have grown stronger, I value friendship and kindness more than ever. But, the anger, it still lurks.

For me, knowing that I get the chance every day to make the world better for someone else helps me go on. That selflessness is what keeps me going. That, and a tiny shred of hope. It is small, but it is there.

This week, I sat at the doctor on that stupid table, wondering if I would ever know the joy of a crying baby, the sound of cooing, the wiggly, warm body that would belong to my child. She asked me how I was coping, how I was dealing with the loss of Quinlan, and the loss of two recent failed pregnancies. I wept...and wept some more. We sat in the room for a long time, me trying to get a hold of myself, trying to communicate the pain I feel in my soul. And then she cried too. She apologized for not having more answers, and for my unspeakable loss that she will never truly understand.

I told her that I don't know what the future holds, but I know that in my life, there will never be a worse pain than a child dying inside of you. Most people will never understand me, and I have accepted that. I am forever changed, not just disappointed. I mourn not just a lost future, but the loss of a soul that lived within me. The past two years have been dark and sad, and...horrible. I won't ever get this time back. I have had to grieve the way I needed to, because I knew if I didn't grieve now, I would later, and it would be even more painful, if that is possible. I may have concerned others with my silence or my anger, or my sorrow, I just wish they understood. That's all I can say. I have no anger towards people who are still in the bubble, just concern that empathy is so rare these days.

To those who have rallied behind me, I am forever grateful. You gave me what I needed more than anything. Maybe some day this will make sense, I don't know. I just don't know. What I do know, something that is certain in this life, is that friendship and kindness are the greatest gifts we can share. No matter where we are in this life, we could all use it. Take it in my friends, and pass it on.

Sweet Marie

I am not sure what to say, except that life is not fair. It has never been, sometimes, it is just more apparent. My cousin lost her baby girl today. Marie struggled with Leigh's Disease and at nearly 2 1/2 years old, she lost her battle. Not even 24 hours after her baby sister was born, she passed away. My cousin is in a state of grief, and a state of joy, welcoming her new daughter Sarah into the world, and saying goodbye to Marie. Josie, Marie's big sister, has to deal with life and death at the same time. It is not fair. Luke, her husband, had to say goodbye to his baby girl. Damnit, it is not fair. I will never understand why this pain has to burden us. I have so many questions about how this life works, and why some of us face more tradgedy and heartache than others. Marie was a beautiful girl, who lit up the room. She fought so hard, and her family fought even harder. They are the inspiration we seek.

What I hope, is that Shannon feels the support, the love that everyone around her feels for her and the Schlachter family. If you read this, if anyone reads this, I hope you go to her blog and send her well wishes, that you pray for her, think of her, believe in her. This family will need the strength and support of everyone.

www.josieandme.blogspot.com

Shared Pain

I hate to hear that anyone will go through what I have...that someone else will experience the deepest pain, a length of time more lonely and isolating than you could ever imagine, a feeling so distinct and dark that you could just lay down and die. I don't want someone else to feel the emptiness of their own heart.

If I could go back in time, I would ask for from those around me for patience, for strength, and for the time that I needed to heal without judgement. I would ask them to keep their opinions to themselves, and their stories of the ordinary. I would also ask them to stay with me, whether physically or emotionally, but to stay with me through the dark days. Life seemed so mean and cruel, as if it was holding a magnifying glass right over me, so that life could see me well enough to smash me with it's thumb. The days are always cloudy no matter how sunny it is outside. Every metaphor and sad song you have ever heard makes perfect sense.

Some days I feel that pain, but the days are few and far between now. What is permanent is my perspective. It is a feeling of live or die. I work hard every day to feel good, to be positive, and to continue to dream and wish, even though I know more than most that statisitics are a cruel joke.

If I could tell those stricken with the loss of a child one thing, it would be to keep living, second by second if you to, but keep living...the pain will go away, and the memory of your child will eventually offer you strength and compassion, instead of sorrow and pain. One day, you will feel only the love, and nothing else.

Maternal Instincts

Is it really all perspective? I know that last Mother's Day, I started the day with a positive outlook, that Don and I spent the day together, planted a tree, and felt good at the end of the day. This year, this Mother's Day, I felt rather sad. I know that part of it was because I have been ill for quite a while, and that I didn't have the energy stored up to deal with my emotions.

So, it (the holiday) got me thinking. What does it really mean to be a mother? A warm hug, knowing you are cared for, a reassuring glance or kind words...it all fits. A mother is nurturing, a mother is kindness, a mother is love and strength and beauty. I know that I am a mother. Just because there is no child on my lap, does not mean that I am not a mother. Just because I don't spend every day watching my child grow, does not mean I am not a mother. Just because my son is in an urn on my mantle, does not mean I am not a mother.

What about Mother Theresa? A mother to us all, right? After googling this phrase, I was surprised to find how many names came up. Some names were of women that I had never heard of before. Beside each name, was words of the woman's strength, courage, kindness and spirit. Each woman was capable of loving so many, and sharing her love with those around her, unconditionally. Isn't that truly what being a mother means? She doesn't act for fame or fortune, she acts out of the kindness of her heart, she acts based on instinct, she does this for the good of others, not out of fear. I have always felt the mother within me, and in recent years I have felt the need to spread my sense of nurturing with others. I do this, not because I am 'missing' that part of my life, but because this is who I am. I have been criticized and misunderstood, but as of today, I can tell you, that I will continue to be who I am...to care, to nurture and to love with my whole heart.

Grooving

Well, I haven't felt like sharing so much. The good news is that this blog was my lifeline for a while, so the fact that I am not blogging so much means I am doing alright. The past month I have had an overwhelming bit of anger, and I think that is pretty reasonable all things considered. Having it come to the surface is a good sign to me, because now I can work through my anger, and start to forgive. Other than that, I am much more myself, but a stronger version in many ways. Yes, what does not kill us will make us stronger, but when we are ready, and on our terms. Renee's getting her groove back.

2009

This past year has been long, time slowed down to a snail's pace. With just a few days left in 2008, I think back on the road we have traveled, and it was exhausting. I wouldn't trade it in, but I am ready for it to be over. I feel positive going in to the new year, and I know that good things are already happening.

When I reflect, I see how close I was at times to checking out. Infact, there are periods of time that I don't even remember. This past year was a mental Olympics of sorts...and I did it. Somehow, I got through it. It is a relief to be here on the other side. I am strong enough now to face any obstacles in my path. I am ready to live. I know how this works though, life is not fair, and there might be more challenges ahead. That's just life.

Happy New Year,
Renee

Happy Thanksgiving

Incredibly grateful...

Still Going

It has been a few days, and I have been reflecting quite a bit. There is so much in this world that makes no sense, but has to be - for whatever reason. I have always thought that the sadness I have experienced in this life was worth something - that I grew somehow for the better. I'll tell you what...this one was a doozie.

There is no way I can really put into words how much I have changed. On the surface, I look about the same, but on the inside, I am completely different. And, you can't really go back, ever, to the person that you were before.

Someday, I hope to understand why - and I don' think that is a bad thing. In some weird way, I already get it. It isn't fair, but I can still see the good. Trust me, I have said that a million times, but life isn't fair. It just isn't. So, I have learned to relish the good, regardless of how insignificant it might seem. I appreciate the little, the few, and the unspectacular. Beauty is there, in the most simple of things.

In Memory

This is it; the anniversary we have been dreading. We decided that in honor of Quinlan, we would like all of our family and friends to spread our love for him with random acts of kindness this week. It could be something as simple as helping a neighbor unload their groceries, paying for someones gas, or saying kind words to a stranger. You can tell them it is in honor of Quinlan, a baby who did not have a chance to do things for others. Or, you could give them a note stating that this is a random act of kindness in his name.

Quinlan technically died the morning of the 13th of November. We chose to remember the 14th which is the day we delivered him, the day we met him face to face. He was born into this world at 7:27 am. He was beautiful, and his soul was gentle. You might doubt me on this one, but I knew him well. The early morning he passed I felt incredibly peaceful. I didn't 'know' he was gone, and there was no physical trauma with me. I just knew that he was quiet.

Don and I miss him everyday. We don't want to dwell on his loss, and imagine what life would be like with him here now. That would be too painful. His physical loss changed us significantly. We feel him around us, and hope that we are still connected and will be reunited with him some day, in some way.

I also want to clarify something I mentioned earlier in this blog or in emails. Many people are not sure what to say, or do, or not to do. You all have to do what works for you. People's silence can be so lonely. Death in general is incredibly lonely. This experience felt as if someone had removed our insides; we were hollow for so long. We have appreciated what everyone has shared with us, and that everyone has supported us. This is not just about us grieving, it is about you grieving too. It is about everyone getting through this life together.

Religion is a tricky thing in the time of death. I always appreciated what everyone has said, even if I do not agree with it spiritually or religiously. What has been difficult, is when people tell us how we should feel, and what we should do without solicitation. No one can tell us how we should pray, what the rules are, or when we should feel a certain mood. I am pretty sure you all know that I am Jewish, and that Don is Catholic. This is personal to us. We have always respected that about each other, and have never asked the other one to sway in their beliefs. We might have different religious beliefs, but Don and I have never had issues with this, and have focused on ourselves as whole people, not just as a religious being or ideology. I have friends and family of nearly every faith or no faith at all; I have always respected that. We ask that you respect us as people, as parents who lost their child as well as their hopes and dreams.

You can contact us as much or as little as you want. We just need you all to know that we are not really up for talking about it this week. That does not mean that you can't contact us, just don't expect a prompt reply. We don't want you to censor your life to us, because you might have children, or you are expecting a baby. It means so much to us to that we are a part of your lives. We love you all, and appreciate everything, more than you will ever know. It is really important to me that you know that, and that we are not judged right now on our silence, or laughter, or anything. We are doing the best we can.

Many of you have asked about his name. We didn't create it to be unique or interesting. We wanted him to have his name, going on what felt right to us. I once had a student named Quinlan, great little 3rd grade boy, who was kind, and vivacious, and his own person. He loved football and stickers, his family & friends, and he and I bonded immediately. When I looked up his name, and saw that it meant 'gently shaped features', I kind of giggled, because I was looking for a name that stood for something, not just aesthetically. Then I realized it does not matter what the definition was, what mattered was that we found the right name for us and for him, and that he would eventually define that name for us. He sure did.

And, he did have gently shaped features, but all babies do. His eyes were enormous, and the brightest blue I have ever seen. I know that is normal, but it was so striking to see. They were so filled with light.

I hope that if you read this, that you sign your name in the comment section. You do not have to leave a message, but since everyone is spread out, we thought this might be a way for us all to connect with Quinlan, and each other.

Our love to everyone.

Renee & Don

Why is today important?

From http://www.october15th.com/

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is to promote Support, Education and Awareness for grieving parents nationwide (and worldwide).

Too many families grieve in silence, sometimes never coming to terms with their loss. Our goal is to help others relate to our loss, know what to say, do or not say, not do and to help families live with their loss, not "get over" their loss.

We have been in this boat. So, it is important for me to bring awareness to this day, and the significance and continual battle we have ahead, not to allow families to feel like they must hide a family secret. We try to honor our son as much as possible. We are not ashamed of him, and many people have a way of making us feel this way. It is ok to speak his name aloud, it is ok to talk about him, it is ok for us to grieve him and remember him as much as we need to...

Wave of Light

This month and next we have been thinking of Quinlan nonstop. We are taking time out to celebrate Don's birthday and our anniversary, but we don't have to ignore that Quinlan died a year ago next month in order to do that.

Please light a candle tonight at 7 pm for Quinlan and other babies/ pregnancies that have been lost, as people around the world will be doing the same in order to create a continual wave of light.

A Walk To Remember - Littleton, Co 2008

Well, it was incredibly somber, and heartbreaking...there were so many. The weather was very cold, and very drizzly, and the colored balloons seemed limper than they should have been, as if they, too, were feeling the weight of being a bereaved parent. When Quinlan's name was read, we released the balloon, and I completely lost it. I haven't cried like that in months. Most people were sobbing. Some wounds were fresh, some were more seasoned. It sucked for everyone. Some people didn't have just one balloon, but many...too many. They had lost twins, and triplets, and one after the other. One set of parents, how do they do it? I guess one foot in front of the other, just like me.

The money raised goes towards bereavement packages for parents in hospitals with new losses, like ours. This includes advice, words of encouragement, and so much more. It is so important. We felt so alone, scared, shocked...unable to breathe when we lost Quinlan. Our doctors stared at us, shaking their heads, in disbelief as well. The social worker cried more than me. We got a little bit of advice, but mostly looks of pity...We had a nurse who advocated for us and gave us the best advice. We will always be thankful for her. There is no birth certificate, only a death certificate, and questions about an autopsy and a choice between burying my precious bundle six feet under, or having him cremated. There must be 30 hospitals in Denver, and each one needs more than 200 bereavement packages per year for infant loss...PER YEAR. So, today, if my measly money made any one experiencing this loss a little better, then I don't know, there is some tiny justice in what happened to our son. It's all I can do right now to feel better about this.

This experience was my darkest hour. I am not sure how we crawled out of the hole, but we did, and today I was reminded of how far we have come.

Documentation

So, for the grievers out there, and for myself, I can tell you that as the days are nearing, so are: (a) anxiety, (b) irrational thinking, (c) nausea, and (d) sorrow, sweet-sweet sorrow. This is more difficult than so many people can imagine. I had no idea that it feels like this. I would never have known this feeling, but now I see it in others, who are struggling. It makes me want to fight for them, because they are so misunderstood.

Finding a reason why this happened, or justifying it does not help. To consider something would have been wrong with him or that is a part of God's plan doesn't bring me peace. It makes me wonder what kind of God would take something so precious away from me, because Quinlan was either too special or not special enough. And, that is not a place I want to go to, at all.

Tomorrow we are attending a Walk To Remember, where people of all walks who have lost infants will gather. I am preparing for this mentally tonight. I don't know what to expect. I just want to do as much as possible to honor him.

Circles

Monday, September 29, 2008
Circles


It is all coming back around. Feeling a bit anxious, I am sure so much of it is the anticipation of the coming month. I am again so thankful to have had so much support over the past year. Without all of you, I am not sure where I would be right now.

I am seriously trying to start a blog for Quinlan, so that people may visit when they would like, and people who are finding themselves faced with a similar loss might find a place of comfort. It is important for me to have this place as well.

I will get to that soon, but for today, I am going to walk my dog, and try to enjoy this crisp, fall day.

Love to all!
Renee

Fall

Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Its Coming Closer


Fall is almost here, and last fall was...well, you know, awful. Respectfully, Don and I will be taking a lot of time for ourselves. We will mark the anniversary personally, but it will be difficult. Even the anticipation is starting to get the best of me. November will be tough. I hope that we can attempt to celebrate Quinlan on the 14th, the day we met him face to face.

Just got back from Arizona, which was so great (and hot). Saw family that I cherish, and it felt good just to get away for a few days. I am now back in Denver, and I think as this anniversary arrives, I am going to post on Quinlan's blog and that's it. This one will go away, but I will be sure to transfer everything pertaining to him over to that site. I am just not feeling this anymore. Of course, I will pursue writing in many other venues...just not here, not anymore.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Cap Hill


While the DNC is taking place in our former backyard, I have been thinking a lot about that time during our lives. Don and I lived in Capitol Hill for 5+ years, with the state capitol just blocks away. I have seen my share of protests, rallies, and other interesting political hullabaloo (I've always wanted to use that word in a sentence). I can only imagine the intensity this week. It is a beautiful part of Denver, filled with VERY interesting people, culture, and creativity. We miss Cap Hill, in all of its eclectic glory.

I am reminded nearly every minute how different my life was then. It wasn't even a year ago, but I have aged at least a decade. I want to go to see everything, but I can't. I just can't. Capitol Hill was where I came of age, finally, after all these years. It is where I figured out who Renee was, and is. It is where I fell in love, found happiness, and conceived a little boy that I don't get to walk with in this life.
So many mixed feelings...

A Few Steps Back

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

So, if you have known me most of my life (or at any time during my life), you might call me: (a) clumsy, (b) accident prone, or even (c) a walking disaster. I am not disputing any of these claims. I can assure you I wish not to be, but some things in life, you just can't control.

Newest drama: my back. After carefully placing my dirty, yet loveable mutt in the bath tub to remove the 'stank', I pulled something in my back. After nearly two weeks of being miserable, the MRI confirmed that I have some disc issues. Some are bulging, some have bone spurs, but the bottom line is that three of them are not well. I asked my doctor why? Could it have been the years of sports/ dance? Perhaps the countless bicycle accidents as a child? The lack of safety equipment during the formative years?

He said age. This is not the first time I have heard that. The harder you are on your body, the sooner it seems to fall apart. So, when I say I feel old, I mean it. Degenerative disc disease. What does that mean? Adjustments in my exercise routine, physical therapy, Ibuprofen, and hopefully no surgery.

Again today, I heard references to something with me being consistent with that of an elderly individual...my 'geriatricism'. (I totally made up that word). Anyway, I went in for another infusion, these will occur every 8 weeks indefinitely.

Sidenote: I have been moved to Littleton Hospital (for the infusions), which is fabulous. Male nurse-check (sorry Don). Comedies to watch on dvd-check. Leather recliner in my own room-check. Free food and chocolate-check.

As I was saying...Whenever I go to a doctor's office, we always seem to play a really fun game: Find The Vein That Works. After three attempts, he remarked, "Interesting." I assured him my reputation precedes me, and that yes, I am a bit of an enigma. Next he said, "Ridiculous". I guess my skin elasticity is a bit thick, but sticky. I counted a total of 17 times that nurse referred to my health records, and vital organs in this manner.


After I thought about it for a while, I decided this simple phrase captures who I am and who I have always been:

Renee Campbell - Interesting and Ridiculous

Finding Strength

Monday, August 4, 2008
Oldies But Goodies


Recently, I have been able to reconnect with some very dear, old friends. It feels great on so many levels. These people have a way of finding places in my heart that I forgot were there. The more love I can find in myself, the easier it is to move forward, past the pain and anger, past the frustration and sorrow. The more I reflect on the past, and all of these friends and family that have come into and out of my life, the more easily I can find the good in all of it. This is home to me...laughter, a shoulder to cry on, and the warmth of an old friendship.

Don't Feel Like Celebrating Today

Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Signing Off (Or not)
I made it past another birthday. Its no picnic turning 36, or as I feel, 100. I haven't posted for a while, because well, I am tired. The past few months have been a bit hairy, and while my health is improving, there are still many obstacles in my path. I remain positive, I advocate for myself, and I spend a lot of time trying to learn and understand. Thats all I can do.

There are still days when I can't cope, when I mourn the loss of my son, my Tibby, my health, and my innocence. Cliche or not, time does heal- I don't know about all wounds, but it does heal.

This blog has been incredibly therapeutic for me on many levels. I am so thankful that I live at a time when I can express myself freely, and get support from people who have such thoughtful words. Pain, tolerance, and acceptance are my daily struggles, but surrounding myself with people who are authentic and caring, has made life more livable. You are all in my heart, and your positive thoughts lift me up, every day.

Strength comes in many forms. Someone very close to my heart reminded me of that recently. We all evolve from life experiences. I have changed a great deal over the years, but inside I remain the same: a passionate soul, full of laughter, and love, that moves to her own beat.

Love and hope,
Renee

6 Months

Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Chicken Dumplings

If you haven't noticed, I am using this blog for virtually all of our updates. I hope that many of you have found your way back to this, it is so nice to hear from all of you, and also to know that we have so many people in our corner. You are all the reason why Don and I continue to move forward, sometimes very slowly, but still forward. (Aunt Noreen and Andrea-so great to hear from you!!)

First (business), I want to share with you all about legislation in support of legislation regarding stillbirths.
I am writing to ask you to co-sponsor legislation that would help the CDC and researchers better determine the risk factors associated with stillbirth and convey those risk factors to expectant parents. House of Representative Bill 5979, the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act of 2008, was introduced by Representative Peter King of New York in an effort to address the lack of standardized data collection nationally with regard to stillbirth. Each year more than 25,000 babies in the United States are stillborn. More than 50 percent of these deaths occur in the last trimester of pregnancy and 15 percent occur during labor and delivery. Due to a lack of autopsy/investigation and inconsistencies in diagnosing these, more than 50 percent of all stillbirths remain unexplained. With standardized investigation and reporting of these deaths, researchers would be better able to determine the risk factors. H.R. 5979 would both standardize the definition of stillbirth and the method in which data is collected, in order to create a national repository of stillbirth data to assist researchers in conducting comprehensive studies in to the causes of, and possible preventive strategies for, stillbirth. The bill also authorizes a public awareness campaign promoting good prenatal practices, including monitoring movements during the last trimester of pregnancy, to reduce the risk of stillbirth. You can go to https://gov/wyr/welcome.shtml and cut and paste this letter.

Second, we just got past the 6-month anniversary of Quinlan's birth and death. November 14th was bitter sweet, burned deep into our memory...so surreal. I can't believe that much time has passed, and yet it seems like a lifetime ago. It seems some people in our lives have a hard time with us having a hard time. To that, all I can say is get over yourselves. Also, we are surprised that some would rather pretend this never happened, or feel uncomfortable with how we chose to remember him. We celebrate him every day, because we continue to love him. You don't have to, just give us the respect that we deserve. Mother's Day (or the idea of it-thanks Rya!) was tough, but we survived and will continue to, picking each other up, when the other has fallen. At the end of the summer, we check in with the docs, and if my health is good, then we have some decisions to make. Only time will tell. Right now, I (we) just don't know.

Third, I just got the second Remicade infusion. It seems to have went well. I woke up with coughing and phlem, but not as bad as the last time. My thumb joints are swollen still, but it has not become any worse. It seems to be a common, but relatively minor side effect. I wish I could tell you that I feel perfect. I think that is asking a bit much. However, I do feel better, and that is all I can ask for. After the infusion, my energy level has really picked up, and I feel good enough to sub and enjoy the elementary kids again. Last night I had some delicious chicken dumplings from The Wok Downtown. It really is the little things in life.

Finally, Sam, or as we call him, Po Po Beware, Doolittle , or Wigglesworth, (maybe even Chicken Dumplings), is having a fantastic time. I have had some issues with the camera and downloading, so please forgive me. I do have this photo of him at PetSmart just a few days ago. Sam has met so many people lately. He LOVES people (he's a Gemini of course). His recent friendships are Molly and Francis Paul, Robert and Rusty, my Mom and Mike, Tom, Mireya, Charlie, and Tomas, Russ, Riley, Bailey and Shadow, Kathi and Cathi, the Nowells including Miles, Liz, Roz, Ricky, Austen and Minnie, the staff at various petcos and petsmarts, the staff at Davis Auto Repair, and every single person he has ever passed on the street (who he tries to hug). Soon he is going to meet Kirsten, Asher, and Lola! He doesn't realize how beautiful this golden is-it could be love! Today he followed me outside to get the mail, and my neighbor returned him a few minutes later (he is so sneaky). Thankfully, he is smart, and polite:)


That is all for now. I am working on getting my blog more updated. I have so much to add, including a new blog in honor of Quinlan: www.QuinlanJames.blogspot.com (Under construction).

Love
Renee