The Time and Grief Continuum

Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Time

You know, it is strange how I can think about Quinlan a million times in one day and think about his gentle soul. It really is something how often you can be reminded of someone so special. When I came back to read my blog, I actually thought, "Oh my God, this happened to me." How can that be, that I had to lose Quinlan and Tibby just a few months ago? It really brings me to my knees now and again. I can tell that quite a few people are probably thinking, "Would they just move on already?" Sadly, that isn't how it works. Grief isn't linear. It comes in waves, and out of order, triggered by the strangest things. Don and I deserve this time to grieve, and to heal. If anyone out there has lost a child, I feel your pain, and I have heard from so many of you, that you can feel mine. I know that you know how tough this truly is. Especially to hear the deafening silence that accompanies a beautiful birth.

I write on this blog not to entertain, although I do think that was my original intent, way back when I was still in my magic bubble. I write this now because I need to. I need to feel like this just might help someone else who has been through a loss as great as ours. I have learned that there is comfort in numbers. I have been attending the MISS foundation meetings in Denver and have heard some really incredible stories, stories of horror and stories of triumph, parents who have the courage to bravely face life again and to take a chance on love. Even that has to be relearned I am afraid.

At the MISS meeting, someone said, "Gosh, you know, there has to be something good in this. So many new faces and losses every month. We have to see ourselves as being so thankful for what we have, either a new child, an older child, an adopted one. We are going to love and appreciate our child or our family and friends that much more." These women make me feel proud to be a woman and to face what we do in this world. We try to do it all, career and family, teacher and mother, wife, chef, maid:), and when you fail at something, which is what this feels like, when you lose this growing soul inside of you, no one will know that pain. There is nothing like it. Nothing. I can't thank these women enough for sharing their stories with me, and urging me to go on.

To my cousin Ruth, I am so happy for you! Myah is beautiful. She chose you, that is for sure. To Kirsten, congrats on your new baby boy, Asher. Hannah, Emma, and Seth- I love you so much.

And to my cousin Shannon, who is fighting the battle of her life, I think of you, your family, and little Marie-every day.